I was a people pleaser most of my life.
I tried to please people so much going out of my way to keep them in my life.
I didn’t want to bother or hurt them, because I thought If I did they would leave me and make me suffer alone. Loneliness and abandonment haunted me.
So I became a YES guy and tried to help them more than I helped myself. Most of them disrespected me and used me for that.
I felt like an uninvited background character being tolerated in my friend’s circle.
This people-pleaser side brought me huge anxiety. I had no voice. Self-confidence and self-esteem were non-existent.
My anxiety got to a point where I didn’t want to face people. Because relationships were super painful and draining for me.
I suffered alone and was desperate to find solutions, and I found a holistic solution finally with self-acceptance and awareness meditations.
Now I see this peak anxiety phase of my life as God’s grace. Because only through that I was able to remove myself from these toxic relationships and discover myself.
Now I’m at a point in my life where I can easily say NO to draining people and environments, take care of myself, and create meaningful relationships.
This transformation happened because I dared to take an inner journey and heal myself.
Why society is stuck – “I’m fine” epidemic:
Most of us are born to parents who have never done any inner work and never took responsibility for their thoughts and feelings.
So they taught you their ways of living when you were a kid:
“Don’t talk loudly. Don’t dance. Don’t cry. Don’t get angry. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.” You were raised with so many don’ts.
Saying NO to your parents meant abandonment, punishment, and numerous other consequences. So you had to push away your authentic self and please them to survive as a kid.
This kind of upbringing installs the people-pleaser virus inside your subconscious mind.
So you go about life “acting fine” as an adult saying YES to people and situations that bring you anxiety and suffering.
You go to the moon and back to keep others happy because your system thinks making them unhappy is “bad news”.
Your compass to living a fulfilling life is broken because you are super-distant and disconnected from your authentic self. So you have to act like you are fine when you are actually not.
Toxic relationship dynamics of a people pleaser:
You try super hard to maintain your relationships by being agreeable, nice, and overgiving.
Because you feel that they will leave you the moment you disagree or have conflicts with them.
So you manipulate and play it nice with people hiding your authentic self hoping that they will do the favor in return sometime.
Eventually when they don’t return the favor, you get passive-aggressive or resentful.
People also get easily bored with you because you say YES to whatever they say and do to please them.
They don’t get to see the real unique person you are. A person with unique values, passions, likes and dislikes.
They are just seeing a shadow of themselves in you, agreeing with all their opinions and values.
That’s why you end up with people who disrespect and use you because you are so soft without any boundaries. That’s why relationships are so draining and hard for you.
No room for personal wellbeing:
People pleasing drains all your life force.
Because you put all your energy into keeping others happy so you don’t feel lonely and abandoned. Your happiness and well-being don’t matter at all.
You overhelp, overplease, and overcommit leaving no room for self-care. And you will attract people who will misuse your condition and will amplify the suffering further.
You hide your true feelings and needs, thinking that they are a burden to other people.
Asking for help means a matter of life and death to you. So you keep things to yourself and make your life miserable.
That’s why people pleasing brings so much anxiety and suffering in daily life and it becomes so crucial that you breakfree from it.
The turn around: People Pleaser Principles
The people-pleaser pattern can be dissolved with the right mental health practice.
That’s when you start to:
- create healthy boundaries that protect your inner peace.
- build stellar self-confidence to do whatever the f*ck you want.
- build real connections who truly love you and repel those who are not for you.
- love yourself to the point where it overflows and nourishes others unconditionally.
Let’s get practical and explore 4 People Pleaser Principles that help you breakfree from people pleasing:
Principle 1: Loneliness is not bad
Your fear of being lonely is why you people please in the first place.
You were programmed to believe from your childhood that if you don’t people please, you can’t have any relationships.
That’s why you tolerate bad relationships and hurt yourself.
You have to make peace with the truth that it’s okay to be alone and rediscover yourself. That’s what freed me.
Internally, practice meditation and sit with those feelings of loneliness when you feel like going back to your people-pleasing tendencies.
Being okay with those feelings of loneliness will bring you lessons and insights that will benefit you for life.
Don’t judge your feelings of loneliness. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself. All feelings are valid to feel as a human.
Slowly you will start to enjoy your loneliness and it will turn into solitude – The ultimate bliss of life.
You also make space and attract the right people who will love you for who you are.
Externally, start turning your alone time into a ritual. Take care of yourself how you want others to take care of you.
”Take yourself out on solo-dates. Do a hike alone. Practice your favorite sport. Do whatever you love doing that you put off into the future to do with others.”
This will also bring you opportunities to meet people who have similar interests and can easily vibe with.
If you want 1-1 guidance from me to go from anxious and lonely to authentic and peaceful within 8 weeks, Book a clarity call with me here.
Principle 2: Saying NO is medicine
You were programmed to say YES to even things that you don’t like to not hurt others feelings.
But when you learn to say NO, you will have the ability to design your life with people and experiences you love, bringing you so much inner peace and joy.
Initially, you will feel bad temporarily for saying NO, but it will completely bring relief to your anxiety after some time.
That heavy feeling is what stops you from saying NO. Remind yourself that, it’s okay to feel bad, it’s just a feeling. Nothing more.
You have to realize the truth that how others feel is not your responsibility, It’s theirs. Internalizing this truth will free you to make decisions that aligns with your soul.
Also, you can say NO and still be gentle to people by giving them reasons for saying no(if they are close to you).
If some people cut-off their relationship with you for saying NO, all good. They were not meant to be in your life in the first place.
Reconnecting with your authenticity makes you polarizing, few people will hate you. But the real ones will truly love you.
1000X better than being a people pleaser who just gets tolerated by other people.
Principle 3: Conflicts are not bad
Being afraid of conflicts is also another major reason for people pleasing.
If you avoid conflicts in your relationships, you will sweep things that bother you under the rug till you get resentful and kill the connection.
Having healthy conflicts shows that you are staying true to yourself and value your relationships.
Sure, you don’t have to bring up concerns that doesn’t matter and create conflicts everytime. But if a situation really bothers you, it’s better to address them and solve it together.
When you are bringing up concerns, make sure you are not pointing fingers and blaming the other person but expressing your feelings.
Expressing your raw feelings can be hard at first. Accept all the feelings and thoughts that arise when you express your feelings. Overtime it will become natural and free you.
If your relationship is real, it only grows stronger with healthy conflicts.
Principle 4: All you seek is within you
Whatever feelings you are seeking externally whether it’s love, happiness, or joy in other people and things are all within you.
When you fall in love, you give yourself permission to feel love.
When you drink alcohol, you give yourself permission to be carefree and authentic.
When you have sex, you give yourself permission to be present and joyful.
But you don’t need external situations to give yourself permission to feel those feelings. You can do it now because all feelings come from within you.
You just have to accept and let go of suppressed feelings that block you from being at bliss naturally.
These are the 4 principle truths you must practice in your daily life to dissolve your people-pleaser patterns and reconnect with your authentic self.
To recap:
1. Feeling lonely is okay and much needed.
2. Saying NO will free you from having experiences you don’t want.
3. Healthy conflicts strengthen your relationships.
4. All the feelings you seek outside come from within you.
That’s it for today.
Hope you are playing your life towards wholeness and inner fulfillment in 2025.
P.S. I have a small surprise for you for reading till the end: I’m offering 5 guidance calls as a gift, book your slot here.
Thank you
Pranav