During my anxiety phase, I suffered alone because I was afraid of being vulnerable with people.
I was so determined to find my solutions alone because I had a belief that my raw feelings are unacceptable.
So, nobody knew clearly that I was battling a monster inside my head, but they felt my energy. I still acted like I was fine.
That’s why it took me 3 long years to finally come across a holistic solution for my anxiety because I took the journey alone.
I see it as a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I know there are no holistic solutions out there(only tactics that numb your anxiety and don’t heal the root cause), and a curse because I now know the healing power of nonjudgmental relationships.
Even though I healed my anxiety 6 years ago, I only learned the power of vulnerability after joining a men’s circle a year ago.
Inside our men’s circle, all emotions were welcome, no judgment.
After seeing other men safely express their real emotions, I finally felt safe enough to express mine with other people as well.
It felt like a breath of fresh air in a world where almost everybody is hiding their emotions and trying to act happy.
When you become courageous enough to express your feelings vulnerably with those you feel safe with, it makes the healing journey much smoother. Because most of your suffering comes from trying to hide your feelings.
I know it takes some processing and unlearning to get there. That’s what I am aiming for in this letter.
Before we dive in:
If you are tired of battling your anxiety alone, I have a few spots left for my 1-1 guidance program.
Heal your anxiety to free yourself from overthinking and worries, cultivate a calm-quiet mind and be at ease in social situations. Book a clarity call here to see if I can help you.
Now, back to the letter again…
Era of surface level connections:
Almost everyone in the modern world is fighting some kind of battle inside their head. But everybody acts like they are fine.
That’s why you will never note a sign of depression until a person commits suicide because they were hiding their pain all along. All because society taught them it is not safe to be vulnerable and express their pain.
If they felt safe enough to express their pain, they would have gotten some help!
Look around. How many people do you have in your life with whom you can openly share your emotions with?
I bet only a few, if there are any. That’s why anxiety breeds loneliness.
Nowadays, everybody plays a role when they are with people. Trying so hard to be happy and fit in while they are dying a slow death inside.
This will only help you create relationships which has no real substance – emotional connection.
Because all the conversations you can have inside this paradigm will be mostly intellectual. Like celebrity gossips, sports, talking about other people’s lives, weather etc..
You won’t feel fulfilled because you are still putting on an act with people.
An emotional bonding can only happen if both parties feel safe enough to talk about feelings, needs, struggles, goals, etc. That’s when you finally drop the mask, and relationships become a safe space to heal.
Asking for help is not bad:
You are living because other people are helping you to live.
They are producing your food, creating your job, and treating your illnesses.
But all these are transactional. You give me money, and I will give you something in return, which is not bad at all.
But when it comes to mental health, you can always ask for emotional support from people in your life.
Just having a compassionate friend to listen to your raw feelings without judgment and give you constructive insights creates wonders for your mental health.
If you doubt that people in your life, whether it’s family or friends, don’t have the capacity to be with your problems, those relationships are not that deep in the first place.
Or if there’s some blockage inside you that’s making you hesitant to be vulnerable and ask for help, we will address that in the coming sections.
You only know how many people are willing to help only when you ask for it.
Vulnerability strengthens connections:
Vulnerability is not weakness. It is strength because you are opening your heart to another person, knowing that there is a chance that they can hurt your feelings.
But with that, you will clearly know who are the real ones in your life and who are there just to enjoy the warmth.
Other people cannot guess what’s going on within your internal world. So when you reveal it to them, most feel honoured because they feel a deep level of trust coming from you.
This will only strengthen your relationships, as vulnerability creates more safety and openness between you and your loved ones.
Also, opening up to another soul frees up all the internal pressure from trying to hide your anxious feelings and bring relief.
Gateway to vulnerability:
These six practices will help you slowly nurture vulnerability with people.
1. Explore why you feel unsafe:
Explore why it’s so hard to express your anxiety with people and seek help.
Imagine sharing your raw feelings with people. What stories come up for you?
You might come across beliefs that you gathered during your childhood, like:
“Men don’t cry.”
“Being emotional is weak.”
“People will make fun of me for my emotions.”
Question those beliefs. Are they real?, It might have been when you were a kid.
Even if it’s real with people in your life currently, you can always find new loving people and make it unreal.
2. Validate your feelings:
Before you become vulnerable with people, you have to be vulnerable with yourself (i.e.) stop judging yourself for your feelings.
When you feel some heavy emotions like anger, grief, or fear, validate those feelings.
Tell to yourself, “It’s valid to feel this way”. Open yourself up to feel those feelings.
Even that openness can soothe your anxiety and you feel more open to share your feelings with people.
3. Meet new people:
You might be lonely now, or you might not currently feel safe enough to be vulnerable with people in your life.
If that’s the case, meet new people. Allow them into your life by how receptive they are to your feelings.
If you feel any resistance to express your feelings, explore why you feel that tension.
Taking this journey, even if you only got one person in your life whom you can be safely vulnerable with, that is a blessing.
Because most people won’t have any deep relationships like that even when they are literally surrounded by 100s of people.
4. Increase your capacity for vulnerability:
You cannot be fully vulnerable with everybody from the get-go.
Start small by:
- Expressing how you really feel when somebody asks you “how are you?”
- Saying no when people ask you to get involved in things you don’t like.
You have to express your inner world a little, see their response, and gradually reveal your inner world to them.
5. Ask for help:
If you are not used to asking for help, start by asking for a little help from your loved ones.
- Asking for a hug.
- Asking for their presence.
- Asking them to take you somewhere nice.
Whatever it is, it will help you feel safe with them slowly to open up your inner world to them.
6. Be a safe space for people:
You also need to be a safe space for people to be vulnerable with you.
Ask them if they are struggling with anything often and offer emotional support to them when needed.
The capacity to how deeply someone can be vulnerable with you is the capacity for them to hold your vulnerability.
Through this expansion into vulnerability, you will turn relationships into a safe space for yourself and others to heal and grow together.
P.S. If you are tired of trying to heal your anxiety and don’t want to waste more years in trail and error, watch this free foundational training to heal your anxiety.
